Long time no see. Sorry for the time off, I’ve been getting acclimated to my new job and trying to spend time with my twins before my latest baby boy bounces into the world.
I’m going to keep this pretty short and sweet. My husband got one of those forwards where dogs and cats and other animals are seen looking really cute and cuddly together, so I’m going to include those images in between my jokes and whatever else I feel like plopping in this post.
To start, if you use Facebook you may have noticed that little emoticons are now appearing. Here is the Legend of what you need to type to have FB translate your keystrokes into adorableness.
What other humor have I seen… well, I can tell you I’m not going to post much for political humor, because you can get enough of that everywhere you turn around, but these two make fun of the process in general. 🙂
Because Thin Mints (especially kept in the freezer) are the BEST!
Now being pregnant (due Nov. 6th, 2012) means you get to find both funny and horrible articles that seem to leap off the pages into your face (children being murdered by their parents or relatives, an infant being decapitated by a Doctor trying to extract it from the birth canal, you know, really horrible stories). Fortunately for all the awfulness you can also stumble across great some humor as well.
Does pregnancy cause migraine as well as piles?
“Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.”
Man: My wife is six months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she behaves illogically and psychologically unstably.
Doctor: So what’s your question?
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when you got pregnant?
“Have sex once a year.”
A Husband made a call to the Hospital to know about his pregnant Wife. But accidentally the call went to a Cricket stadium. He asked, “What is the condition?” He fainted after hearing the reply, which said, “7 are already out…
3 more to get after Lunch…and…two were Ducks…”
Pregnant daughter: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
Mother: I don’t remember.
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they got the news that the handsome man, who used to live in their neighborhood, died under mysterious circumstances.
Lady: I am three months pregnant when will my baby move?
Doctor: With any luck, right after finishing the high school.
A tense man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is eight months pregnant and she is crying in pain!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
A lady goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“A little more…”
“No. A little more…”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”
Here be some Halloween Humor, click here to see more.
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-Lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!!!
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why are black cats such good singers?
They’re very mew-sical!
What happened when the skeletons rode pogo sticks?
They had a rattling good time!
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 3000 years?
Because he thought he was old enough to leave home
Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed!
What do black cats like for breakfast?
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
How do skeletons call their friends?
On the telebone!
How did the glamorous ghoul earn her living?
She was a cover ghoul!
What do you call a ghost’s mother and father?
How did the ghost song and dance act make a living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars!
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies!
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
Quick Men vs. Women jokes
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: “What Men Know About Women.”
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can get closer to the sink.
Q: What does a man consider a seven coarse meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack.
Q: Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don’t have any.
Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: It doesn’t need cleaning yet.
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: Why Did God create Adam first?
A: So he’d have a chance to talk before Eve came along.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Tech Support Humor and Stories.
We got a strange case today. When a lady called for support on the game we’re doing tech for, she started to say that her computer was blessed. She also wanted me to pray with her while her computer was rebooting and she was always asking if I was a believer, if I practiced and all these things. What does this have to do with tech support I really don’t know. Also it turned out her computer was a 486 with 8 megs of RAM running on win 98… No wonder she’s praying while it boots up… If she wasn’t it could stop working entirely 🙂
“Sir, if your camera cannot be repaired, then the next thing we can do for you is replace it.”
“A camera of your choice, based upon the value you originally paid, in this case, Rs.10,000/-.”
“Well… what if my camera has gone UP in value since then…?!??!”
Buddy… it ain’t an Elvis collector’s plate, alright?
Had a customer that recently upgraded from dial-up to DSL. Naturally he complains that his computer didn’t go any faster and that his connection is just as slow. Then he tells me, “First off, don’t blame it on my computer.. I have a Dell 4100. Let’s just start there. It’s a fast computer. . . ” for those who don’t want to look at the specs. . the base specs for this “fast” machine is as follows. . 800Mhz, 128MB Ram, 20GB hard drive, WinME. Then the customer tells me he recently upgraded to WinXP. I checked his memory and he only upgraded it to 256. I never wanted to transfer anyone to the dial tone department so bad in my life.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point… The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine.
Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Tech Support: “All right… now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icons – I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to…” Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms.’ I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well… why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet… is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game…”
Tech Support: “All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed!”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”