Friday Funny: HR Memo & Weird News

Human Resources Memo:

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to our department’s attention that you have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with your coworkers.  This will no longer be tolerated, but we also understand the importance of effectively communicating your emotions.  We are providing you this guide for translating your foul language into more innovative and less offensive speech.

  • You don’t know what the f**k you are doing.
    • I think you could use more training or please check with training.
  • She’s a ball-busting b***h
    • She’s an aggressive go-getter.
  • When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
    • Perhaps I can work late.
  • No f*****g way.
    • I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
  • You’ve got to be s*****g me.
    • Really?
  • Tell someone who gives a s**t.
    • Perhaps you should check with…
  • It’s not my f*****g problem.
    • I wasn’t involved in the project.
  • What the f**k
    • That’s interesting.
  • This s**t won’t work.
    • I’m not sure this can be implemented
  • Why the f**k didn’t you tell me sooner?
    • I’ll try to schedule that.
  • He’s got his head up his @$$
    • He’s not familiar with the issues.
  • Eat s**t and die.
    • Excuse me?
  • Kiss my @$$
    • So, you weren’t happy with the result?
  • F**k it, I’m on salary
    • I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
  • Shove it up your @$$
    • I don’t think you understand.
  • This job sucks.
    • I love a challenge.
  • Who the f**k died and made you boss?
    • You want me to take care of that?
  • He’s a d**k
    • He’s somewhat insensitive.

Thank you for taking the time to commit these new terminologies to your vocabulary.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

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News of the Weird, brought to you from Chuck Shepard’s column.

My health teacher always said unless you can put your elbow in your ear nothing should go in there…

The ear has a “G-spot,” explained the Santa Clara, Calif., ear-nose-and-throat surgeon, and thus the moans of ecstasy that Vietnamese “ear pickers” reportedly elicit from their clients might well be justified. A San Jose Mercury News reporter, dispatched to Ho Chi Minh City in January to check it out, learned that barber shop technicians could sometimes coax “eargasms” (as they removed wax) by tickling a certain spot next to the ear drum served by multiple nerve endings and paper-thin skin. Said one female client, “Everybody is afraid the first time, but after, it’s, ‘Oh my God!'” Said one Vietnamese man, returning home after a trip abroad, and who went immediately from the airport to a “hot toc” parlor for a picking, “(This) brings a lot of happiness.” [San Jose Mercury News, 1-23-2011]

Awe, I’m a little sad about this one…

Disabled wheelchair user Jim Starr, 36, of Dorchester, England, was recently ordered off of public roads because his “chair” is too big. Authorities told him that his custom-made, motorized chair with caterpillar treads instead of wheels, which moves like a tank, would have to be licensed like one (“Category H” vehicle, one category higher than a “road roller”). Starr said his chair was the only way he could play at the beach with his kids. [Daily Mail, 1-15-2011]

Was the mortgage industry always this despicable?

In December, J.P. Morgan Chase abruptly ended a program that had allowed military personnel to defer paying on Chase-owned student loans while on active duty. (2) Three weeks later, NBC News reported that Chase’s mortgage division had long been ignoring a federal military protection law by charging 4,000 active-duty personnel higher mortgage-interest rates than permitted (and improperly foreclosing on 14 of them). (3) That same week, Chase was found to be advertising (through an agent) a foreclosed-on, 5-year-old house in Rexburg, Idaho, without adequate notice that it was infested with “thousands” of garter snakes. (In February, Chase reinstated the student-loan deferments and apologized for ignoring the federal law.) [NPR, 1-19-2011; Reuters, 1-22-2011; MSNBC, 2-7-2011]

All these guys should go sleep with the fishes…

Three men visiting Philadelphia in December were charged with a several-store robbery spree, and perhaps luckily for them, they were quickly arrested. The police report noted that one of the victims (who had a gun waved in her face) was Terri Staino, 38, the owner of John Anthony Hair Styling for Men, who is also the husband of Anthony Staino — reputed to be the No. 2 man in the South Philadelphia mob, according to the Philadelphia Daily News. [Philadelphia Daily News, 12-29-2010]

Alex Good, 15, practicing tee shots with his high school golf team on a rainy day underneath a golf course awning, had one of his drives hit the metal pole holding the awning up, causing the ball to ricochet into his eye, resulting in likely permanent damage. Despite the fact that the pole was directly in front of the tee, inches away, Good nonetheless charged the Pumpkin Ridge Golf Club (Hillsboro, Ore.) with negligence and filed a $3 million lawsuit in January. [KATU-TV (Portland, Ore.), 1-21-2011]

How Not to Do a Laser Bronchoscopy: First, according to a case written up in December in the Massachusetts Medical Law Report, do not let the laser set fire to the patient’s throat. More importantly, if a spark does ignite, do not use the everyday home remedy for a small flame, i.e., try to blow it out — because blowing down the “trach” tube might actually extend the fire, as it did here. (The surgeon and hospital were not named; the lawsuit resulting from the patient’s death was settled out of court.) [Massachusetts Medical Law Report, 12-27-2010]

Sounds like a bad episode of Seinfeld…

Edward Hall III, 24, a Columbia University researcher, was arrested in January for trespassing at JFK airport in New York City after he disobeyed United Airlines personnel and tried an alternative method to board a plane. He told ticket agents he badly needed to be on the flight to San Francisco even though he had forgotten to bring a photo ID. Frustrated, Hall stepped behind the counter and crawled onto the luggage conveyor, where his next stop, minutes later, was the tarmac where bags were being loaded and where he was arrested. [New York Post, 1-19-2011]

A suburban Chicago high school health-class instructor’s technique for teaching the names of female reproductive parts caught the ire of the Illinois Family Institute religious organization in January. To some of the kids, teacher Jacqulyn Levin’s “game” was nothing more than a mnemonic to facilitate memorizing the anatomy, but others told the institute that Levin’s play on words was chantable, could be set to the tune of the “Hokey Pokey,” and was referred to by several students as “the vagina dance.” Said a complaining parent, “It is disrespectful to women and removes modesty about the reproductive parts.” [Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.), 1-12-2011]

Why conviction rates are actually pretty good for most crimes…

Kyle Eckman, 22, was charged with theft in Lancaster, Pa., in November after he was stopped leaving a Kohl’s department store, mostly still in his own clothes but also wearing the pair of Elle high-heel shoes he was allegedly trying to shoplift. [Lancaster New Era, 11-3-2010]

Jimmy Honeycutt, 27, was arrested in Pawtucket, R.I., in October and charged with five recent robberies of liquor stores. Among the items found on Honeycutt was a telephone directory listing of liquor stores, with the ones recently robbed marked off. [Providence Journal, 10-15-2010]

At a traffic stop, once again a passenger climbed into the driver’s seat as the officer approached, trying to save a drug-impaired driver from a citation. However, once again it turned out that the passenger was just as drug-impaired as the driver, and both were cited (Gastonia, N.C., December). [Gaston Gazette, 12-8-2010]

Once again a woman tried to conceal drugs by stuffing them down her pants into her most private area, and once again, when police found them, the woman immediately denied that the pills were hers (Manatee, Fla., December). [Bradenton Herald, 12-17-2010]

I don’t think he was looking in the right place…

A 26-year-old man died in Chattanooga, Tenn., in January after being accidentally bitten by a copperhead snake. According to police, a friend had caught the snake and taken it to the man’s house because, for some reason, he wanted the man to ascertain the snake’s gender. [Reuters, 1-31-2011]

News of the Weird classic- 2008…

Irish director-playwright Paul Walker’s production of “Ladies & Gents” opened for a March (2008) run in New York City 29 blocks north of Broadway, in a public restroom. According to an Associated Press report, the entire play takes place among the porcelain in a bathroom in Central Park, portraying “the seedy underside of 1950s Dublin,” with the audience of 25 standing beside rows of stalls, near “spiders, foul odors and puddles of questionable origin.” Walker proudly admits that he wanted to take his audience “out of their comfort zone.” Actor John O’Callaghan recalled that rehearsals were especially difficult: “One man actually came in and had a pee right in front of us.” [KYW-TV (Philadelphia)-AP, 3-19-08]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Escapades of Wal-mart, stories courtesy of People of Wal-Mart.

 So I am in college in Rome, Ga, and my friend and I went to look for a tan in a can for an upcoming event I was going to. After finding it, we preceded to go and look around Walmart, because it is so hard to resist. We passed by some clothes, and my friend said “Oh, cute dresses!” and I turned to follow her. As I was walking, I wasn’t looking on the ground because its not really typical to watch the floor while you walk through Walmart, a relatively familiar place. As I turned, I started slipping and I felt something wet on my foot and flip flop. I looked down horrified! There was poop on the floor, and I have no clue if it was baby poop or animal poop. I should have gotten my tan in the can for free. Gross.

I wonder if this dude raids mail-boxes for Victoria’s Secrets catalogs.

One afternoon, I was at Walmart, buying some socks. It so happens to be that the sock section is next to the bras. Well, as I approached the sock section, I noticed a heavyset, balding man who looked to be in his mid-fifties just standing there, looking at the bras. He was wearing a dark, oversized trench coat, strange because it was about 60 degrees and sunny outside. I went on with my business, picking out some socks as well as several pairs of pajama pants. I was looking through clothes for a full 10 minutes, when I realized that the man was still there. It took me a while to realize, this guy was STARING at the seminude models on packaging. I haven’t bought socks there since…

Kudos to this employee and customer.

I was working the register after zero training, and the customer line was long and getting longer. I was receiving quite a few insults about how slow I was on the register, and reaching the end of my rope with the whole thing when a woman in line took pity on me.

“What would it take to shut down this register?” she said quietly.
“A real disaster” I replied.

She winked, and casually swept her arm around so it knocked a big glass jug of wine off the belt to shatter all over the floor. She apologized over and over to both me and the supervisor who ran up, and my register was shut down for safety reasons, much to the dismay of the line of customers, for whom I had no sympathy.

The best part was an old man in ratty jeans and a t-shirt filled with holes ran up, knelt down in the puddle of wine, and began running his fingers through it and licking the wine off his hands.

I quit 30 minutes later, when the supervisor told me I’d have to stay late to help with the leftover customers because since the wine had broken on my register, it was partially my fault.

Seriously, get your tubes tied and do the child a favor and put it up for closed adoption.

I used to work customer service desk at Wal-Mart and I have had my share of horror. The customer service desk often receives lost items found in the store but one day a customer brought us a screaming lost little boy. We were able to get his mom’s name and we paged her to come retrieve him. Meanwhile this boy is still screaming his head off. After no one came for several minutes, we started to page every minute or so for about fifteen minutes. This kid does not stop yelling the entire time. Eventually the mother comes by customer service yelling at us for paging her so much. She had decided that she was going to finish her shopping and check out before she picked up her kid. She yelled some angry words at us as she was leaving. Some people shouldn’t have kids.

Hope you all have a safe and happy weekend!

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