Funny Thing About Moms

Well, in honor of Mother’s Day I thought I would share a story or two, but mostly I’ll post some funny stuff from a website linked to my LOL Cats called “Crazy Things Parents Say.”

There is also a pretty darn funny article by The Oatmeal comparing Mothers to Octopus (Octopi) if you click the highlighted link.

I have two moms.  The Mother that raised me and my Biological Mother.  With out going into all of the back story I just want to say I know, at least I can start to fathom, after becoming a Mother myself what a difficult decision it would have been for my Bio-Mom, Morgan, to choose to put me up for adoption.  When I met her 2 years ago she had one little picture of me that a nurse at the hospital had snuck her that she had carried all this time.  It was precious, not meaning that I was a cute baby, but that this picture was all she had and had kept it close.  I want to say “Thank You” to Morgan for that because I am also grateful for the life that I got to have with my adoptive parents.

My adoptive Mother, is my Mom, and while we don’t get along very well, and I feel never really will, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Our relationship is contentious because we are so different and that was just a roll of the dice that I think could happen and frequently does in any family.  She gave me the advantages that a lot of other children don’t get to have, encouragement to do better, and the opportunities to go places, play sports, and ride horses in a competitive environment.

I’d also like to take a quick moment to give a shout out to my Mother-in-Law.  Where some wives are stuck with an over-critical-you’re-not-good-enough-for-my-son she-bitch or simply just your typical clash of personalities, my Mother-in-Law is a wonderful person that I don’t have to have my guard up around and I won’t have to worry about under-handed passive-agressive digs that other women have to deal with at family events or get-togethers.

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Some stories I have of my mom…

When I was first learning to drive and I had my learners-permit my mother was driving us through Hillsboro.  I believe she was in mid-lecture about paying attention to road safety and being aware of your surroundings, or very soon after, when she realized she had missed the turn she wanted.  She needed to turn around, and because she was flustered, took the very next road to go around the block.  Only thing was, the very next road was a one-way street and she turned down the wrong way.  Good thing no one was coming, then she had to pull a U-turn and did a good deal of side-walk driving because the turn-radius on our Subaru wagon was pretty pathetic.

Another less-fun time also happened while I just had my driver’s permit.  I decided to take this short cut to avoid traffic at a stop sign.  Keep in mind it is the same trick I had seen either of my parents do any half-dozen times.  However, I guess you aren’t allowed to use short-cuts when you have your permit, you have to wait in traffic.  I never found that rule in the hand-book, but my mother proceeded to scream at my shrilly that I didn’t have the road awareness/knowledge to DECIDE to take a different route just to avoid traffic.  I don’t remember much details to the conversation, I can guarantee I didn’t handle her criticism well since I deemed it ridiculous being that I wasn’t breaking any speed laws or driving dangerously.  I’m sure I told her that.  My parents are also into corporal punishment, and generally speaking I’m fine that I was spanked as a kid, but when I’m driving don’t slap me across the face.  At that point I do remember distinctly advising she better have her seat-belt on real tight cause the next telephone pole had our name on it if she did that again.  I can’t remember if I got grounded or not, given that a good 75% of that wasn’t my fault, but obviously it sticks out in my mind.

My good friend Alicia and I used to tackle my mother and tickle the bottoms of her feet when we were in elementary school.  That was good times.

When I was riding my horse up at a neighbor’s house and surrounding property my horse got the funny idea it was time to take off and run back to the barn.  One thing lead to another and as I my horse took a 90 degree corner with nothing but ‘soft’ sticker-bushes to fall into, I did a cherry drop from the horse’s neck and fell under the horse. (I really didn’t want to fly off into those stickers!) The horse’s back hoof stomped right on my elbow, fortunately I had landed with it at the right angle so it didn’t crush my joint, and he took off free of his rider to run back down the hill to home.  Much to the horse’s chagrin my parents were working in the garden and as they looked up to the sound of the clippity-clop of horse hooves on hard packed road you can imagine their surprise to see no daughter riding said horse.  My mother snatched the reins, leapt on my horse’s saddle and charged him straight back up the hill to the neighbor’s house.  I was emerging from the forest cradling my arm and walking to the adult neighbors who were trying to examine my arm.  Note:  Don’t wrench on someone’s arm when they just got tromped by a horse, it makes them cranky.  My parents whisked me off to get X-rays, but it was pretty neat to see my mom racing up the road with the stupid horse.

My mother has advised she never had the birds-and-bees talk with her parents and it made her teen years difficult.  I guess also in the 60’s Cosmo didn’t have all that bad/free advise about what to do about a girl’s monthly visit and what boys want to do with you in the back of the car.  In either case, since about Kindergarten I got that little speech.  When I had my first serious boyfriend my mother had the conflicts between all the new-age advise of helping your child have safe sex vs. a girl should be a virgin for her husband from the 50’s belief structure.  So, in the same breath and sentence I was treated to the following offer: “If you decide that you are going to have sex I want you to know that you can come to me so we can get you birth control and you can go on the pill, BUT if I find out that you have sex with (name of BF) I’ll call the cops and have him thrown in jail for statutory rape!”  To this day as I play the sentence over in my mind I’m not sure what she really expected the results of that offer to be.  Was the first half of the sentence an offer to my future self when I was actually 18 and then the older boys wouldn’t be illegal that I liked to hang out with?  I may never know, if I were to ask her she’d probably say she doesn’t remember ever saying that to me.

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Mistakes I have made since becoming a mom…

Day 2 of bringing our kids home from the hospital we had to go back for a check-up appointment, which in retro spec seems really stupid.  We were so befuddled with the whole “We finally have the twins home!” after three weeks in the NICU we showed up to the Dr’s office thinking they’d just look at them, shrug, and say ‘Yup, they’re still breathing, good job” so we completely didn’t bother to pack the Diaper bag with us.  Of course, it was a strip your babies down and weigh them and one of them had a poopy diaper.  We had to use a spare from the Dr’s office and since the boys were premie it was like 2 sizes too big.

Tiernan has always been a wiggly sleeper.  At my parents house one evening, they were probably not more than 5 months, we were in the next room and had tried the put the babies in the king-sized bed and box him in with pillows technique. About 1/2 hour later we could kind of hear these little peeps and squeeks.  Again, usual for Tiernan.  We waited about 10 minutes hoping he’d settle down.  Chris got up to go check on him and disovered Tiernan had wormed his way off the side of the bed and was sitting with his wee-baby bumm on a box and his little squeeks and peeps were his struggles to try to get himself back on the bed.

When the boys were older and mobile I was trying to put some jeans on Caelan.  He is a ‘big’ boy and since about month 6 has been in the top 90’th percentile of weight/height for his age.  As I tried yanking the pants passed those girthy thighs of his he tipped forward and basically head planted into a large plastic drum right in front of him which gave him a big bruise on his forhead.  Good job me.

After baby bath time I had run out of baby lotion, only I hadn’t realized it.  One of our family friends had given us a bag of Burt’s Bees goodies for bath time.  I thought one of the canisters was thick baby cream for dry skin, so I smeared it all over my hands and proceeded to paste it across Caelan.  Only after it turned out to be kinda sticky and certainly wasn’t absorbing into the skin quickly did I bother to read the label.  I had just smeared my child with a heavy dose of baby butt-cream that smelled and felt like congealed honey.  I had just given them a bath, so I settled for just wiping him down vigorously with a wet wipe.

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Now for more crazy things that other mom’s have said to their kids…

(While reading an article on the computer)
Mom: Are you looking at a picture of Michael Jackson?
Daughter:(Confused) No…Mom that’s Taylor Swift.
Mom: Oh…poor girl.

(Showing her mom Justin Bieber for the first time)
Daughter: So, what do you think?
Mom: Does his babysitter know he’s doing this?

Daughter: Mom can you feed my fish while I’m out on vacation?
Mom: Sure. Will they need water?
Daughter: ….

Daughter: What do you think about this outfit…?
Mom: Yesss, great…but not those white leggings underneath the skirt..it looks really weird..
Daughter: I…am..not wearing leggings…

(Girl, heading to the circus)
Daughter:Ok, I’m leaving for the circus, bye.
Mom:Don’t molest any clowns, now.
Daughter: ?

(mom calls on phone)
Kid: hellooo?
Mom: is there anything within 5 feet of you that you can use to kill a zombie?
Kid: no?
Mom: you’re dead. (hangs up)

(While talking with my mum)
Mum: Hang on, I can’t hear you, I’m not wearing my glasses
Kid: ???

Mom: You know how guinea pigs can be all sorts of colors?
Son: Yeah.
Mom: Wouldn’t it be great if people were different colors?

(Angry at a video game)Son:Jesus Christ!
Mum:He wont help you

Mom (after son answered “I don’t remember” to her question) – Your memory is as long as your penis!

Mom: I never knew Japan was an island. I thought it was… you know… attached to the rest of the continent.

(After buying a Harry Potter wand for a friend)
Mom: Too bad you didn’t spend more so that you could actually use the wand like in the movie.
Me: No, mom, that’s fake..
Mom: No it’s not. You’re just too lazy to look harder for it.
Me: …

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Remember: Parent’s may be crazy, but we drove them to it.  Don’t forget to tell the mothers in your life Happy Mother’s Day!

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One response to “Funny Thing About Moms

  1. Lovely sentiment at the end. I know my mother thought I was insane but she just took it all in stride. I could never do it myself. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!

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