Thanks this week to Marletta for contributing the items on “Embarrassing Medical Exams.”
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . ..replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘ Which one ?’. .. . I asked. ‘The patch…The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson – Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ..’ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . .. had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . ..
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. . ‘ No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. ‘
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….
ONE MORE —
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination, then motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came.’
News of the Weird from Chuck Shepherd explores some reoccurring themes…
NOTE: From time to time, News of the Weird reminds readers that bizarre human adventures repeat themselves again and again. Here are some choice selections of previous themes recently recurring:
“Man’s best friend” sometimes isn’t, as when a playful dog hops onto a gun on the ground, causing it to fire a round. John Daniels, 28, took a bullet in the knee from his dog, for example, in Raleigh, N.C., in January. [Raleigh News & Observer, 1-26-2011]
Dogs betray in other ways, too. Motorist Joel Dobrin, 32, was pulled over in a traffic stop in February in Moro, Ore., and rushed to hide his alleged drug stash, which was in a sock. However, his dog intercepted the sock for an impromptu game of dog-tug-of-war in the car. Dobrin won but lost his grip, and the sock flew out the driver’s window, right in front of the officer. Dobrin was cited, and later indicted, for drug possession. [KTVB-TV (Boise, Idaho), 2-15-2011]
At least three jihadist groups in recent years have published full-color Arabic magazines lauding the Islamist struggle, with articles and essays to recruit fighters and offer personal advice for women on the importance of raising proper families and catering to mujahedeens’ needs. The latest, Al-Shamikha (“The Majestic Woman”), which surfaced in March, featured interviews with martyrs’ wives and advised women to stay indoors, both for modesty and a “clear complexion” (advice that earned the magazine its nickname “Jihad Cosmo”). [Daily Mail (London), 3-13-2011]
Prevailing medical authority 20 years ago warned that few humans could survive blood-alcohol readings above .40 (percent), but in recent years, drivers have rather easily survived higher numbers (curiously, many from Wisconsin, such as the man in February in Madison, Wis., with a .559). (In 2007, an Oregon driver was found unconscious, but survived, with a .72 reading.) The plethora of high numbers might indicate mistaken medical teaching, or nonstandard machine measurements — or an evolutionary hardiness in American drinkers. [Star Tribune (Minneapolis), 2-15-2011]
Snowmobilers fall through thin ice every season because the ice’s thickness is difficult to estimate, especially at night. Less understandable is that every season, when other snowmobilers come to rescue the downed snowmobiler, they drive their vehicles as close as they can to the spot of the fall — which, of course, is right at the lip of thin-ice-break, thus virtually assuring that their vehicle, too, will fall in, such as the four people who fell through the ice in a pond near Holyrood, Newfoundland, in February. [Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News, 2-13-2011]
Young girls “grow up” prematurely, often aided by hungry retailers such as the U.S.’s Abercrombie & Fitch and the British clothiers Primark and Matalan, each of which this spring began offering lines of padded bras for girls as young as 7 (8 at Abercrombie & Fitch for the “Ashley Push-Up Triangle”), with Matalan offering one in size “28aa.” Child advocates were predictably disgusted, with one Los Angeles psychologist opining that permissive mothers were trying to compensate through their daughters for their own lack of sexual appeal. [Fox News, 3-25-2011] [Daily Mail (London), 3-14-2011]
In 2002 News of the Weird mentioned a theme park near Mexico City in which potential emigrants to the U.S. could test their survival skills in an obstacle course mimicking the rigors one would endure sneaking across the border. Recently, Owlchemy Labs, a Massachusetts technology company, announced plans to release an iPhone/iPad app, “Smuggle Truck,” a video game in which players compete to drive a pickup truck full of illegals over rocky terrain from Mexico into the U.S. without too many passengers bouncing out (and with in-game “additions” consisting of pregnant women giving birth enroute). Special “green cards” are awarded to winners. (Update: At presstime, Apple rejected the app, and Owlchemy said it would alter the game to one of animals escaping from a forest.) [New York Daily News, 2-6-2011; KNBC-TV, 4-28-2011]
Chutzpah! Thieves usually pick out easy jobs, but occasionally they go bold — for example, breaking into the prison at New Plymouth, New Zealand’s North Island, in March (carrying off a large TV set) or breaking into a police station in Uddingston, Scotland, in April (carrying off uniforms and radios). [Agence France-Presse, 3-4-2011] [Reuters, 4-6-2011]
Local councils that govern life in the United Kingdom seem overly frightened of liability lawsuits — even from criminals who might get hurt while committing crimes. London’s Daily Telegraph and the Surrey Mirror reported in February that police in the counties of Kent and Surrey had been advising homeowners and merchants to avoid using wire mesh on windows because burglars could seriously gouge themselves while climbing through. Also, electrical engineer David Bishop said police seemed especially concerned that burglars could be electrocuted if they broke into his workshop and thus advised him to post a warning sign outside that could be seen in the dark. [Daily Telegraph, 2-12-2011; Surrey Mirror, 2-14-2011]
Carelessness sometimes begets tragedy, as when motorists survive terrible accidents but then, while awaiting help, they are hit and killed by emergency vehicles. In December, near Ocala, Fla., a 39-year-old driver survived a rollover but was accidentally run over and killed by a responding Marion County sheriff’s deputy, and in April in Baldwin Park, Calif., an arriving ambulance fatally struck a 22-year-old accident victim who was, until that moment, not seriously hurt. [Ocala Star-Banner, 12-3-2010] [KTLA-TV (Los Angeles), 4-2-2011]
In 2007, Australian Wayne Scullino, then 30, quit his job in Sydney and somehow convinced his wife they should sell their house and move to Wisconsin for the sole purpose of rooting for the Green Bay Packers, about which he had enjoyed an inexplicable fascination since age 15. Said Scullino, “At some point, you’ve got to … start living the life you want to.” After one season, the Scullinos returned home, but in February 2011, he was of course back in the U.S., on hand in Dallas for the Packers’ victory in Super Bowl XLV. Scullino says his Australian friends are still bewildered. “I try to talk to them about it,” he said, “but they just don’t get it.” [ABC News-AP, 2-6-2011]
In January 2010, shortly after News of the Weird’s report, the U.K. government admitted that the British-made “magic wand” bomb-detector its own Department of Trade and Industry was promoting for export to police in Mexico and the Philippines was useless (no better than a Ouija board). Earlier, several British firms had sold thousands to Iraqi police at dollar equivalents of $16,000 to $60,000 (from a manufacturing cost of about $20 each). Furthermore, according to City of London police, “hundreds” of Iraqis had died in Baghdad after suicide bombers were mistakenly allowed into secure areas after being “cleared” by the wands. In January 2011, BBC News reported that a new British company, Unival, featuring a respected retired Army colonel as spokesman, had resumed selling the wands, to Bulgarian police. [BBC News, 1-27-2011]
Sigurdur Hjartarson’s life’s work is his Phallological Museum in the fishing town of Husavik, Iceland. As the world’s only all-penis attraction, it draws tourists by the thousands, eager to see the 276-specimen collection of desiccated or stuffed organs from a wide range of animals. However, only in April (15 years after it opened) did the museum acquire a human penis, donated by the late Pall Arason, an acquaintance who, said Hjartarson, “liked to be in the limelight … to be provocative.” To an Associated Press reporter inquiring of the “size” of Arason’s donation, Hjartarson said only, “You will just have to come and see it.” [New Zealand Herald-AP, 4-13-2011]
Hope you all have a safe and happy weekend!