Tonight I just read two cracked.com articles that took me down a memory lane that should have caution signs and road-cones prohibiting my amygdala from veering off the path of amnesia parkway.
I’ve shared in the past my rules of “never ask a guy on a date” because of how that horribly backfired into an octopus groping session where I suddenly had to spawn numerous appendages to keep my dignity intact.
Now for three other unfortunate examples of my youth/young adult life and how they have in fact entwined with these horribly funny cracked.com articles.
1) From 6 Romantic Gestures that Backfired Horrifically we have “Boat Man.”
I’ll summarize from the article:
… Arquitt sucks at telling lies and/or understanding what impresses women.
When Bryan and his brother-in-law were taking a fishing trip, the water was too rough for the pair to dip their rods. Opting to head back, Arquitt felt the need to call his girlfriend and tell her a much more awesome and thrilling story: that their boat had capsized and spilled them into the bay. Seriously, he claimed he was in the process of drowning when he called, presumably claiming he was holding it and his head out of the water long enough to dial.
While in Arquitt’s mind this made him seem like an adventurous badass, to his girlfriend, who was not retarded, it was a problem. So she called the police and rescue workers to let them know that her boyfriend was apparently thrashing around in the bay and calling all of his friends with his free hand.
Eventually he told her he was back ashore, which is when the rescue teams phoned him to find out where they needed to show up with the paramedics. It was at this point Arquitt realized that his little lie had gone a bit too far. He admitted to making up the whole story to impress his girlfriend and the police, understanding his predicament, charged him with falsely reporting an incident because being a dipshit isn’t a chargeable offense.
How could my life possibly mirror this, there is no way there is more than one stupid guy on the planet like this.
Au contraire, there is…
Freshman year in college I’m tucked into my tiny closet of a dorm room on the hills of Washington State University. I have my new friend across the hall and my new boy friend, usually also tucked into my closet of a dorm room. As I remember it my hallway friend and I were playing Gin Rummy laying our cards out across the floor in the hall when I got a call.
“Hi, is this Tracey?”
“Yes, who is this?”
“I’m friends with _____ (ex bf who enlisted in the army), and I had to call you and let you know there’s been an incident on base.”
My ex was now stationed at Fort Lewis on the West side of Washington State. Nameless guy who had my dorm number which I had not given out to many people then went on to tell me that someone had gone bonkers on the Ft. Lewis base and my ex had been shot in the cross-fire and was in critical condition with a .30-06 bullet lodged against his heart.
I remember that was the caliber because it’s phonetically said in such a unique way “thirty ought six” like the # 30 is a failure for not being a lower digit. Body image issues for bullets…
Anyway, it was also because of that outrageous caliber that both my hallway friend and my current boyfriend convinced me it was a ‘lie’ because if someone had been shot in the chest with a .30-06 bullet there’d be a really large hole and it wouldn’t be lodged snuggly against his heart. BUT this was after I was trying to make plans to drive across the state all night and was making phone calls to ex-bf’s own mother, and to two different hospitals in the area looking for where he was taken.
Now, this ex-bf was a pretty big fat liar all on his own. So the conclusion or truth of this story is questionable, but here is how HE said it went down.
Dude who called me supposedly lost a game or two or three or money and a game of pool with ex-bf. He was cheesed off about it and got my ex’s little black book of addresses that had my dorm # and called me as a prank. The pay-off, similar to boat boy above, was that my calling about frantically looking for my ex’s deathbed was that the hospitals I called in turn called Ft. Lewis to inquire if they would be receiving a barrage of gun-shot patients. Apparently, when possible, hospitals like to pencil those things in. That in turn made the people in charge of the Ft. Lewis base wonder why a local hospital would be wondering about numerous gun-shot victims, asked who specifically they thought had been shot and they of course had my ex-bf’s name. Crap ran down hill quickly after that according to my ex and he supposedly some how convinced his superior officers it was Jo-blow the phone prank guy.
Or the whole thing could be bullshit, ’cause like I said, the guy was a liar all on his own.
Now, #2 and #3 both were inspired by the article, 5 Sleazy Strategies for Turning any Movie Date into Sex.
2) #5 on their list was Wild Things. Pretty much everything they say as a possible ‘turn on’ in this article had the direct opposite effect on me and the exact effect on my date whose idea it was in the first place to go to that movie on our evening out.
… Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out a lot and wear bikinis in and out of pools. Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon might be in this movie too. And I know Bill Murray is in there somewhere for some reason.
Level of Difficulty: 2
OK, right off the bat you’re in good shape. The film is dripping with sex and that helps set the mood. Best of all, it doesn’t have a Brad Pitt or Leonardo Dicaprio in it, so there’s no fear your date is going to turn to you when the lights come on and wonder why her life has gone so horribly wrong. The challenge here is mostly not to mess it up. She’s already thinking fun time faux-lesbian thoughts after all that softcore porn. Primed and ready to go.
The Wrong Approach:
Turning to your date and saying, “Hey, baby. I have an idea. You be Neve Campbell and I’ll be Denise Richards.” This is an understandable mistake, but wrong. First of all, be a gentleman. Make your date the hot one. But actually that’s not such a good idea either. Because outside of a three month period in 1998, no one has ever spent much time fantasizing about Neve Campbell. You don’t want to be her.
The Right Approach:
Turn to your date slowly, smolder a bit, point to her breasts and/or your junk and say, “Well, how ’bout it? Y’know?”
Although seemingly crass, the point here is to let the movie do the work for you. She just saw two hours of sanitized girly sex. And her only hetero release was Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon. You can do this!
In conclusion; did my Date play it right with the sleaze factor to try and tip this around to his advantage? No, he didn’t, yes, he tried. I remember specifically asking him,
“Are you sure this isn’t some movie with gratuitous sex in it? Because that title and Denise Richards in it has my suspicions.”
“Psh, no. Besides, if it does it would be ‘Hot Sex’ with beautiful people on the screen so how bad can it be?”
The first lesbian kiss scene, which I don’t know, happens in the first 15 minutes, half hour tops, I turn to him and go, “No gratuitous sex?” I think he tried to defuse the tension by throwing popcorn in my hair.
Also this movie had a fatal plot point failure in the ending. I guess they thought so many people would be close to erotic explosion from the Nev Campbell/Denise Richards action they would over-look the Kevin Bacon uncircumcised penis (some images never leave your mind, no matter how hard you scrub)
…and the not-a-plot-point twist where the writers try to say Nev Campbell orchestrated the whole thing. Which makes no damn sense if you bothered paying attention to any of the actual acting/dialog in between the wet T-shirt contests in the movie.
3) Clears the list with Cracks’ #4, Boogie Nights:
…70s porn star Dirk Diggler has a penis that’s even longer than this movie. Also, like the movie, it works really well in the beginning, gets a little lost later on and then ends strong.
Level of Difficulty: 4
This one is more challenging. Your date has just spent over two hours of hearing about a massive wonder penis that all the ladies (and some of the dudes) love. Yes, it was attached to Mark Wahlberg, but this movie may have gotten your lady ready for the kind of sex you can’t deliver.
The Wrong Approach:
“Hey, baby, you think that’s something? You should see what I got.” Unless you actually do have a comically oversized circus penis that is larger than Marky Mark’s prosthetically-enhanced schlong, this is the probably the worst thing you could possibly say. It’s all about managing expectations. Let’s say your line works. What are you gonna say five seconds later when your pants come down and she looks more disappointed than the audience in PT Anderson’s follow up film, Magnolia, when those frogs fell from the sky for no reason. Also, if you really are that big, you probably don’t want to attempt sex unless your date has a reinforced steel diaphragm to prevent the impaling of internal organs.
The Right Approach:
“Yeah, I heard that wasn’t real. Marky Mark isn’t that big. Also I have better skin. Boy your eyes are pretty.”
In truth I guess guys just enjoy drugs, sex and violence, cause again this movie didn’t do it for me. My date on the other hand thought it was great.
The other problem that this approach had, which is only alluded to above in the “Wrong Approach” section is my date was also geometrically as much the exact opposite of Dirk Diggler as possible without being a woman himself. No lies.
TTFN and Thank God I’m Married. I love my husband who never tried anything sleazy during our dating times.