To start with I got a fun forward from Risa, I’ve seen this list before, but I thought it would be good FF-LOL fodder and I decided I’d also like to add/amend some of this list too.
** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (And deleting the Trash Folder/Bin… Hell, just scrub the hard-drive.)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (I prefer the crumple into giant fabric ball and cram it into the closet method, myself)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Not so much actually)
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (This is generally operator error, if you don’t want to know how to get out of your neighborhood, don’t have the directions start from there. DUH)
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (Educational too)
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories. (Or ruin your political or professional sports future.)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (Mine starts around 9:01 am.)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. (Or your Excel spreadsheet with many exceptions logged.)
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (I give them a ring tone)
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (F* the freezer)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? (2-3 is my personal standard)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!**
** OK, again as an insurance person I should know better when I totally rear-view mirror blocked this chick who tried to illegally pass me and like 5 other cars along this country road. It’s one of those two lane shing-digs that they put a turn median down like 2 miles of road for maybe 4 stupid driveways. I get it, it’s obnoxious, but damn it, it’s not your friggin person with special privileges because you got up late lane to pass all of us other schmucks on the way to work. So I’m floggin’ along at like 50 MPH which isn’t too shabby when I see some woman with a friggin Toyota Camry jet out into the left turn margin and start heading down the road. Now, just the week before some Yahoo slipped one past me in a Jeep Wagoneer and there was no way I was letting Miss Camery by. I gunned it and yanked the car out in front of her and she tried to keep passing me by going now into the on-coming lane to make it around me. I kept the pressure on and then breaked checked her hard, and pulled back right when she tried to waggle right then got back in line because at that point she did lock her breaks up and realized I was pycho. The other cars, out of either respect or fear, let me back in my spot and her ass got to the back of the line. Happy Ending for all as far as I’m concerned.
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Trivia, courtesy of Braingle:
1. What kind of animal is a dik-dik?
a) A small antelope
b) An endangered fish
c) A Hummingbird
d) An ape, closely related to humans
2. Remember the tongue-twister: “How much wood could a Woodchuck chuck, if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?” Woodchucks are more commonly known as?
a) Beavers
b) Groundhogs
c) Walruses
d) Otters
3. What color eggs do Robins lay?
a) Light yellow
b) Light blue
c) White with brown speckles
d) Brown
4. T or F: A group of Ravens is called a ‘Kindness.’
5. Elm Farm Ollie was the first cow to?
a. Be cloned
b. Have triplets
c. Have been born on a ship
d. Fly in an airplane
6. What is a male rabbit called?
a. Tom
b. Cob
c. Buck
d. Jack
7. T or F: All bats are blind.
8. T or F: All Skunks have stripes.
9. T or F: All domestic dogs are classified in latin as a subspecies of Grey Wolf.
10. T or F: An Elephant drinks water by kneeling down and drinking with its mouth while using its trunk like a snorkel.
ANSWERS at the bottom of the page.
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News of the Weird from Chuck Shepherd.
As a former equestrian I think this is lame…
Giddyup! When a strain of equine herpes led to a temporary quarantine at horse farms in central Utah, the sponsors of the Davis County Mounted Posse Junior Queen contest in May had a dilemma, but instead of canceling the competition in which the cowgirls show their skills on horseback, they decided to conduct the show except with the girls “riding” stick “ponies” to get style points. Former queen Savanna Steed told KSL-TV the change would be good because it would better test riders’ knowledge of the routines instead of their relying on their horses to make the moves. [KSL-TV (Salt Lake City), 5-26-2011]
Think this through a little…
Unclear on the Concept: India’s Ganges River has become famously polluted, in part by reverent Hindu pilgrims who toss “offerings” (such as clothing, statues and the cremated ashes of loved ones) into it in hope of prosperous lives and holy afterlives. Hindu immigrants in New York City, without access to the Ganges, have called upon Jamaica Bay as a stand-in. The formerly quiet waters adjacent to JFK International Airport now ebb and flow with similar offerings that ultimately litter the bay’s federal recreation area shoreline. Hindu community leaders in New York, with only mixed success, constantly urge greater environmental sensitivity. [New York Times, 4-21-2011]
From time to time, clever rabbis suggest ways of bypassing ancient Talmudic laws that restrict observant Jews’ behavior on the Sabbath (a day of “rest”). In April, Rabbi Dror Fixler, an electro-optics expert from Bar-Ilan University in Israel, said he could foresee a day when even driving a car might be permitted on the Sabbath. The driver would wear an encephalography helmet that could catch brain signals and transmit them to a car’s operating and steering system, removing the need for “action” on the driver’s part (thus theoretically leaving him “at rest”). [The Local (Berlin), 4-12-2011]
Cyber Making-Out: Tokyo’s Kajimoto Laboratory has created a tongue-kissing machine to enable lovers to suck face over the Internet, according to a May CNN report. At separate locations, the pair place special straws in their mouths and mimic a deep kiss, which is recorded and transmitted to each other’s straws. Researcher Nobuhiro Takahashi sees profit in “celebrity” tongue-kissing
applications, but said more work is needed to establish individual taste, breathing and tongue moistness. (Another team of Japanese researchers, using a harness-type device, reported making similar advances — in Internet “hugging,” with sensors that mimic lovers’ heartbeats and even their spine’s “tingling” and stomach’s “butterflies.”) [KVVU-TV (Las Vegas)-CNN, 5-5-2011] [Time.com, 2-3-2011]
This is why we have friggin’ National Debt! It’s not the Liberals or the Conservatives, it’s the tit suckers…
The Columbus, Ohio, school board accepted principal Kimberly Jones’ resignation in May following revelations by The Columbus Dispatch that she, though earning $90,000 a year, swore on federal forms that she made just $25,000 — so that her own two children would qualify for reduced-price school lunches. [Columbus Dispatch, 5-4-2011]
Prime Healthcare Services, with a reputation for rescuing financially failing hospitals, reported that two new acquisitions, in
Victorville, Calif., and Redding, Calif., somehow curiously experienced rates about 40 and 70 times the state average in patients with a rare Third World Ghanian sickness that, conveniently, qualified the hospitals for enhanced Medicare reimbursements.[SFGate.com, 2-20-2011]
You can’t possibly be effective at practicing law if you have large breasts…
In a pre-trial motion in a Chicago court case in May, the defense lawyer for Exotic Motors Inc., which is being sued over car repairs, complained about plaintiffs’ lawyers’ unusual decision to permit a female paralegal to sit at their courtroom table, especially since she is a “large-breasted woman.” Her “sole purpose” at the table, lamented defense lawyer Thomas Gooch, was “to draw the attention of the jury,” presumably in favor of the plaintiffs. Gooch later told the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin that he was concerned only with her “qualifications” to sit at the table. [Springfield Journal-Review-AP, 5-25-2011]
Seemed like a good idea at the time…
The recent Memorial Day weekend was a time of reflection for the residents of Long Island (N.Y.)’s Shelter Island, who were honoring a soldier from the neighborhood who had recently been killed in Afghanistan. The local American Legion placed new, heavy-duty American flags on telephone poles along a parade route, but only afterward was informed that Long Island Power Authority, which owns the poles, is required by state law to charge an unwaivable rental fee for the poles. [WCBS-TV, 5-24-2011]
Principal Terry Eisenbarth apologized to parents and children at Washington Elementary School in Mount Vernon, Iowa, in May and promised to stop his ritual “whammies,” in which he summons kids on their birthdays to his office, sings “Happy Birthday” to them, and ceremonially spanks the child’s backside with a cushioned hockey stick (with the number of whacks equaling the child’s age). [Des Moines Register, 5-27-2011]
<editor’s note: I remember in grade school if your birthday was during the school week some of our teachers would have you turn your back side to the class and they all got to go past and spank you at least once.>
Just asking for it…
In May, based on five women’s complaints, Virginia Beach, Va., police arrested restaurateur Henry Fitzsimmons, 54, for abduction and sexual assault for harshly beating them as punishment for violating the terms of the “scholarship” he supposedly offered them. The women claim that Fitzsimmons is a devotee of the “Spencer Plan” of orderly discipline, in which contracting parties adhere to
agreed-on roles but at a cost of being physically disciplined if they fail. Fitzsimmons acknowledged his fascination with the Spencer Plan, but denied the assaults, pointing out that he had fired one of the women and that the other four were helping her retaliate. [Virginian-Pilot (Norfolk), 5-16-2011]
Followed by, you get what you deserve…
Former Camden, N.J., police Sgt. Jeffrey Frett pleaded guilty in May in a scheme to qualify for early retirement by arranging to be shot in the leg (to be attributed to random street violence). The plan deteriorated, police said, when Frett’s wife (the designated shooter) missed his leg, merely ripping a hole in his uniform pants. [Philadelphia Daily News, 5-12-2011]
Ryan Martin, 29, and Erica Clayburn, 20, were charged with reckless endangerment in Derry Township, Pa., in April after Martin was shot in the jaw. The couple was playing a game resembling “Marco Polo” with a loaded handgun, with an eyes-closed Clayburn firing when Martin shouted “Gun!” (Martin was supposed to duck out of the way before Clayburn pulled the trigger.) [WHTM-TV-AP, 4-6-2011]
I’m sorry, can you repeat that back, and real slowly this time…
In September (2006), according to sheriff’s officials in Buffalo, N.Y., Thomas Montgomery, 47, murdered a 22-year-old colleague in an online love triangle involving a West Virginia woman, except that two of the three people involved did not exist. Ostensibly, a young Marine flirted with an 18-year-old woman, but unknown to each other, the “Marine” was actually Montgomery, and the woman was actually her mother, 45, pretending to be her daughter. The workplace colleague (not pretending to be anyone else) had struck up an online conversation with the “daughter,” also, making Montgomery jealous enough to kill him. Thus, in the make-believe “triangle,” the only real person is now dead. [Buffalo News, 11-28-06]
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Have a Safe and Happy 4th of July Weekend! God Bless the U.S.A.! (click to listen to Lee Greenwood)
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Answers to Trivia:
1. a) This herbivorous antelope is less than half a metre tall. When it is alarmed, it makes a “dik-dik” sound, hence the name.
2. b) Woodchucks are rodents, also called whistle-pigs and land-beavers.
3. b) Robin egg blue is a Crayola crayon colour.
4. False, A group of ravens is actually called an unkindness.
Oddly enough, the collective noun for crows is a murder, and crows and ravens both belong to the genus Corvus. Murder can definitely be considered an unkindness!
5. d) On February 18, 1930, Elm Farm Ollie flew 72 miles from Bismarck to St. Louis, in Missouri. She was also the first cow to be milked mid-flight.
6. c) Buck
7. False, Bats might not have excellent eyesight, but they can still see. Also, not all bats echo-locate.
8. False, Most skunks have one or two stripes across their back. Spotted skunks’ stripe patterns are more complicated; the stripes curve and cross, making the skunk look almost like a chessboard.
(OK, so I got this wrong, because I knew there was such a thing as a spotted skunk.)
9. False, The scientific name for the domestic dog is now “Canis lupus familiaris”.
10. False, Actually, an elephant sucks the water up its trunk and then sprays it into its mouth. Imagine if we drank water by sucking it up our nose first!
FridayFunnyLoL 