I do love Christmas and I love Christmas songs, but there are some songs that are so obnoxious to me that I cannot stand to listen to them. They are classics, sung by both classic and contemporary artists, and I cannot stand them. Conversely, there are some songs that I love dearly, can’t get enough of, the radio could loop them and I’d be forever blissful.
Worse, I always seem to turn on the radio just as one of my favorite songs is ending (or pulling up to my destination to get out) and am chagrined I’ve missed the good one, because it typically won’t get played every hour on the hour like one of the crappy ones from my list.
To Start, in no particular order, the Hate Column:
“A Few of My Favorite Things…” sung by Julie Andrews in A Sound of Music.
Why:
Because- Why the crap is this a holiday song?
Check it out on YouTube. If you’ve seen the movie, which is a good musical, then you’ll know the kids run into their Governess’ room because there is a thunderstorm outside. This is Austria, so at best it is late summer or early fall at the latest for there to be a thunderstorm. No Christmas in sight yet.
The Lyrics:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite thingsCream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite thingsGirls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite thingsWhen the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad
Why does radio programming insist on subjecting us to this song during the holidays? Is it the mere mention of ‘Brown paper packages tied up with strings’? That sounds like friggin’ mail delivery by pony express, not Christmas presents. I suppose it mentions sleigh bells, but this is also a more rural part of Austria during WWII when everyone didn’t own a car, much less 4×4 wasn’t yet invented, so sleigh bells are just a fact of life, that’s how people got around.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” sung by Dean Martin.
Why:
Date rape due to inclement weather doesn’t put me in the holiday spirit.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Dean Martin and for that matter the sound of any one of the Rat Pack solo or together. Given how much Dean or any of them drank and smoked it is amazing any of them were able to carry a tune so late in life. Sure, it was a ‘different time back then’, but this song gives me the creeps.
The Lyrics:
I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pourThe neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride
I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outsideC’mon baby
I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard beforeC’mon babyI simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard beforeI’ve got to go home – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb – It’s up to your knees out there
You’ve really been grand – Your eyes are like starlight now
But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow – Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can’t stay – Get over that old out
Ahh, but it’s cold outsideBaby it’s cold outside
Brr its cold…
It’s cold out there
Cant you stay awhile longer baby
Well… I really shouldn’t… alrightMake it worth your while baby
Ahh, do that again…
Clearly the woman is worried about her reputation from either nosy neighbors, nosy family members, nosy coworkers or whatever the case here may be. While she is graciously trying to leave, Dean is working all the mojo he can muster to keep her in his house. Yes, she probably thinks him a charmer, but lines like “Say, whats in this drink?” and Dean’s response of, “No cabs to be had out there” smacks at, “No one will hear you scream.”
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town…” Sung by everyone and their second cousin- even Justin Beiber. I’m going with the Jackson 5.
Why:
Totally due to childhood trauma. I’ll keep this part short, I’m not paying you $200/hr to hear my troubles. My mother delighted with a sadistic flare to keep me in line by singing me this song and not just during the holidays if I started doing the, “I want that, and that, and that, for Christmas” litany all kids do when they’re near a toy store anytime after August. She would sing this anytime I started to fuss during my formidable years while I still believed in Santa Claus. Once when I was having an especially vociferous tantrum and the ‘song’ didn’t do its trick she even picked up the phone to call the North Pole to report my poor behavior to make sure I made the naughty list with Santa.
Now if I hear this song on the radio I change the station, it totally torques me off thinking of all that emotional blackmail. Seriously, if that were a crime, she’d have been a felon for life before I turned six.
The Lyrics:
Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!You know where you can stick that list?
He’s making a list,
Checking it twice,
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!
Arg! Angry just reading it. I’m like Pavlov’s dog, and instead of salivating at the sound of a bell I want to storm to my room and slam a door.
“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” sung by Brenda Lee (and several other remakes)
Why:
It’s just generally bothersome to me, but I think that it all started with Home Alone with Macauley Culkin. I don’t like the melody or maybe it’s the harmony– not sure, I’m not musically inclined, I can just tell you this is not my favorite. Maybe that combined with scrawny, obnoxious Macauley on the screen and there was no hope for me and this song to be on good terms.
The Lyrics:
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop,
Mistletoe hung where you can see,
Every couple tries to stop,
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree,
Let the Christmas spirit ring,
Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie,
And we’ll do some caroling.You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,
Voices singing, “Let’s be jolly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly”,
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree,
Have a happy holiday,
Everyone dancin’ merrily,
In the new old-fashioned way.You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,
Voices singing, “Let’s be jolly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly”,
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree,
Have a happy holiday,
Everyone dancin’ merrily,
In the new old-fashioned way.
You can click the link above, and listen to the jazzy saxophone and Brenda Lee working it. I’ve already listened to it twice just writing this article to try to pinpoint where it goes wrong for me and I just can’t.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” sung by Band Aid (a bunch of artists)
Why:
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. The song was created to raise money/awareness for starving Ethiopians. Meanwhile the lyrics suggest they’re singing about a bunch of savages that are clueless to cultural differences of others living around them. Fun fact, Ethiopia’s predominant religion is Christian, so I’m pretty sure they know it’s Christmas time. In the 2007 census 62.8% identified themselves as a form of Christian, I’m doubtful that statistic has changed significantly since 1984. Also, not a lot of snow falling in Africa during any ‘Christmas time’ unless you count the very high mountains because the predominant regions most commonly inhabited that will snow are South of the equator making their Christmas warm like our summer. Geography/Climate/Religion fail. Good job guys.
The Lyrics:
It’s Christmas time,
there’s no need to be afraid.
At Christmas time
we let in light and banish shade
And in our world of plenty
we can spread a smile of Joy
Throw your arms around the world
at Christmas time.But say a prayer,
Pray for the other ones.
At Christmas time it’s hard
but when you’re having fun…
There’s a world outside your window
and it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is
the bitter sting of tears
Where the Christmas bells that are ringing
are the clanging chimes of Doom
Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life.
Ohh….
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?Here’s to you…
Raise a glass for everyone
Here’s to them
Underneath that burning sun
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?Feed the world…
Feed the world…Feed the world,
Let them know it’s Christmas time again.
Feed the world,
Let them know it’s Christmas time again.
This will be a great transition into my ‘Love’ list. I loved this song for years because I just rocked out and was ignorant of what they were really singing. I’m sure it wasn’t meant the way it sounds now, but all that awareness and sensitivity for minorities they’ve been beating into us for the past 20 + years just makes me have a guilt trip for liking the song. Hence, I can’t like it, society told me it’s rude to, and when I read the lyrics and know what I know about the country (even before writing this article) I kinda have to agree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now for the Holiday Songs I Love
FridayFunnyLoL 